Turnaround Coaching

This first call is dedicated to helping you understand your friend’s perspective. In order to get a good feel for how to approach your friend about the abuse you know exists in her relationship, you first have to understand what she is experiencing.

My BFF’s Helper 2010-02-21

Jeremiah 2:27-28
“For they have turned their back to Me, And not their face; but in the time of their trouble they will say, ‘Arise and save us.’ But where are your gods which you made for yourself? Let them arise, if they can save you in the time of your trouble.”

People in this country are so quick to ask “Where is God?” when all hell breaks loose. His reply? “What happened to the gods you chose? Let them help you.”

Humans can be so fickle! How can you decide you don’t want to be accountable to God and then get mad at him if he says ok?

In Jeremiah 1:1-12, God was getting Jeremiah’s cooperation to do what God created him to do. God proved Jeremiah could do it by showing him a tree branch (something small to test the waters) and confirmed that what He said would actually happen. He told Jeremiah that He decided what Jeremiah would be before he formed him in his mother’s womb.

I know God called me a professor of life to women. He knew what he wanted of me before I was flesh. It’s what I am, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I do what I am.

You do what you are!

God also told Jeremiah not to worry about people; God would protect him as long as he followed God’s instructions. We have a choice: do what we are where God says and be safe, or do what we are where we want to and be on our own.

I believe in intelligent design. How else can you explain the intricate detail of the human body, the human existence? It goes deeper than merely observing the physical body with all its systems, cells, organs, skin. We are intelligent, emotional, psychological beings who have the ability to reason, feel, and apply morals to our daily behaviors. Can you honest say that you believe it’s possible that all those functions and features can randomly come together or develop through mutations?

Here’s the deal. Knowing that there was some form of intelligence that created me and everything around me causes me to want to do/be the best I can. I want to take advantage of all that is me, all that is at my disposal, to create the best life for myself that I can. Knowing that I was created and not just happenstance makes me want to know the creator of my life so I can appropriate everything that was intended for me. There is so much more to this existence than we are allowing ourselves to experience, and it is the responsibility of each one of us to go after it. We can’t wait for someone else to make it happen for us, for someone else to change circumstances for us so we can be, do, or have more. It’s on us.

You were not a mistake by or a surprise to the One who created everything. You were on purpose, intentional. Whether there are parts of your physical, emotional, or psychological self that are not whole, or whether you are perfect in every part of you, your existence is for a reason. You’re not just here to suck wind and take up space! There is a life that was envisioned for you when you were being formed, and to experience it you need to connect with the intelligent designer. He knew when he was thinking of making a YOU what his intentions were for you, and it’s far greater than you can imagine. If you would like help getting connected and learning what that’s all about, contact us here at Turnaround Coaching. That’s what we were created for.

Matthew 25 begins with the parable of the wise and unwise virgins. It's the story of 10 young ladies hoping to be chosen as brides. Five had lamps with oil in them, and five had lamps with oil and extra oil on the side. While they were waiting, rather than going to get extra oil for themselves, the five virgins with no extra oil slept along with the five who had extra oil. When the bridegroom (opportunity) came, the unprepared virgins wanted the prepared virgins to share their extra oil (help them get ready). Of course, the prepared virgins didn't want to miss their opportunity, so they refused to help the unprepared virgins. They were there, ready when the opportunity presented itself, so the opportunity (bridegroom) chose them to enter the celebration. It's as simple as that. Opportunity chooses the prepared!

I keep seeing posts like this: When one door closes, another door opens. Says who? Sometimes I think it’s important to just marinate in the closed door, think about why it closed.

• What did I need to learn from it?
• What was I saved from?
• What more could I have done to get through that door?
• What will I do next time to ensure progress through my open door?

Sometimes that closed door is a good thing all by itself if we take the time to understand it and make necessary changes to capitalize on the next opportunity. Remember, Opportunity Chooses the Prepared!

The words bitch and hoe (short for whore; you can’t spell it “who” because that’s a different word) are tossed around so much that young ladies are no longer offended. Do you know what a bitch is? Webster’s dictionary says that it is a female dog or other carnivorous animal. I guess women could be called carnivorous animals; we eat meat. How unpleasant to be looked at that way, though! Webster’s also says that a bitch is a “lewd or immoral woman” or a “malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman — sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse.” This last part of the definition was added recently because so many people use it that way. I don’t know about you, but I think it is not okay to use that term when referring to me. Our children hear it so often, though, that it has become a mainstream part of their communication. Even girls call each other by that name! And, don’t get me started on calling me a whore!!

Here’s the deal. Women get caught in the “I finally got a man” trap and believe this man is going to protect them, provide for them, and meet their need for passion (which is really a form of acceptance). And, when he starts calling them names like bitch and whore, they laugh it off or quietly sulk, allowing him to say whatever he likes because they don’t want to lose him. Or, they allow themselves to be called by these names (and even refer to themselves this way) because they think their behavior is deserving of such monikers. It is not okay to be called by names that are not endearing or, simply, what your parents named you. You know what makes him keep calling you names that hurt your feelings and make you feel badly about yourself? He knows you are desperate to keep him, so he can do whatever he likes! You don’t deserve it, but he doesn’t care because he knows you’re in that trap. He knows you see him as Prince Charming.

How did he make the discovery that he can treat you however he wants, and you will let him? You told him! Not in so many words, but through your actions you told him that you would accept whatever he did as long as he continued to be your hero. The scary thing is that you don’t even know you’re doing it. Every person learns how to “be” from the people who raise them, the people who influence them, and what happens in the world around them. We develop a belief system about ourselves and others through our contact with others. You have either had people telling you all your life that you’ll be great or that you are so talented or smart, or you’ve had people telling you that you’d amount to nothing or that you’re so dumb. Some of you didn’t have anyone telling you anything about yourselves. How you see yourself has been drilled into you all your life, and what you believe and how you behave now came out of that.

Take a look at some of the women who are walking the streets selling their bodies to make ends meet. What about the ones in the strip clubs giving lap dances and jockeying up and down those poles? For some the work is enjoyable (I think because they don’t know it shouldn’t be), but for most? They would rather be doing just about anything else. Sometimes the money is too good to quit. Other times, however, they simply don’t believe they are capable of doing anything else worthwhile because that is what they learned about themselves. They were taught that the only way they can get a man is to flaunt their bodies (much like the music videos with the half naked women) and give up more of themselves than those men deserve. It used to be that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Now women believe they have to give up their bodies. This thinking is ABnormal USE of ourselves.

Some women have learned, over time, that abuse is normal. Use your feminine wiles to capture him. When Prince Charming comes along, he will give you the passion, provision, and protection you were taught to expect as long as you accept the abuse and do whatever he wants. Keep your head down and just follow the rules, and you can keep your man. Get your prince by any means necessary and live with his abuse so you can keep him. NOT! You deserve better than that simply because you are human, equal to him. No matter what he says, and no matter what you heard all your life, you are God’s creation, and when God saw you, he said, “This is good!”

Every woman who wants to leave an abusive relationship should be able to without fear. Unfortunately, it’s just not that easy for most of them. Abusers have tormented their victims with threats of harm if they try to leave. You think about escaping, but you don’t follow through.

I used to volunteer at a women’s shelter as a crisis call interventionist. Calls came in all day from women who wanted help, looking for a place to escape, hoping our shelter had room. Sometimes, however, a call would come in from a woman who just wants answers. I received one such call from a lady who called crying and wanting to tell her story to someone. She prefaced her story by saying she did not want to leave her husband. She just wanted to know what she could do.

This lady and her six-year-old daughter were outside in the yard when her husband came outside. Until this point, the husband had been verbally abusive to the wife, but not the daughter. He had made threatening gestures like cleaning his gun while glaring at his wife. He belittled her and made her believe she couldn’t do anything right. On this day, when the husband came outside, he got into his car to leave. As he was backing up the car, he accidentally backed over the six-year-old’s kitten.

Heartbroken and in tears, the daughter ran into the house, and the mom followed. The dad reached under the car and pulled out the kitten and discovered it was still alive, so he called the daughter back outside to see. When she came out and saw her kitten was alive, she perked up and smiled. He called her over to him and doused the kitten with gasoline and set it on fire. Then he took his teenage son into the garage to lift weights like nothing had happened. The wife who was telling me this story was mortified. As soon as she could, she called for help.

She realized in that moment that this man she had been married to for all these years, the one who had as yet not caused her any physical harm, was capable of anything. It was in that moment that this lady became afraid for her life and the life of her child. Unfortunately, the people to whom she would have gone for help, her church, respected and loved him because he was a leader in the church. Her family were out of state, and she had no other support system. She was desperate for help.

We discussed some steps she could take to prepare herself and her daughter to escape when she felt ready. She already had a couple elements in place and was well on her way to being ready. First, she had a couple bags packed and hidden in a place her husband would never look. She had a couple cell phones inside the bags that were purchased in her mom’s name so her husband would not know how to track her. In this time of disposable cell phones, it’s even easier to take this step. She was able to squirrel away enough money to pay cash for bus tickets anywhere she chose to go and added to the stash as she was able. Finally, I suggested she contact other shelters and family and friends out of town that her husband would not think to talk to when he started looking for her.

If you have ever seen the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy,” you understand how hard it can be for a women to escape her abuser. If you need help, please call a local shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. Their website if you want more information is www.thehotline.org. We here at Turnaround Coaching are available to help with escape plans and coaching after you escape.

You’re in an abusive relationship and you want out, but you’re terrified your significant other will do something violent to you or your children if you try to leave. He has said that if he can’t have you, no one will or if you leave him he will kill himself or something equally scary. Because of his history of ugly, hurtful, and dangerous behaviors, you strongly believe he will carry out his threats. So, what do you do? You stay even though you know life is hell and it’s going to continue to be that way.

What if he has never hit you? You think that because he’s never laid hands on you that it’s not really abuse. The truth is, if he uses name calling, belittlement, ridicule, ignoring, neglect, or any form of verbal, emotional, or psychological attack to control you, he is abusing you. Those behaviors, while common and often not recognized by the person doing the behaviors, are not normal adult behaviors. In other words, your significant other should not be trying to control you, especially not with abusive behaviors. Think about it. Abuse is ABnormal USE. The expression “sticks and stones…” is a bald faced lie! Those words spoken to you to cause you harm and keep you in control are intentional, and the pain from them lasts far longer than any bruising from sticks or stones. Even broken bones heal faster than emotional and psychological bruising.

So, what do you do? Do you risk trying to escape having the knowledge that you may be in danger even at the thought of leaving? Do you leave knowing that you have no means of supporting yourself and your children? What about the insurance? If you leave, he will surely cut you off.

Here’s where the situation gets sticky. You have to have proof that he has been abusive in order for any legal or government system to step in and help you. There is support out there for you in the form of child support and government assistance, but if you can’t prove that your reason for leaving was safety for yourself and your children, it will be harder to get help. You must document everything. That means suffer the embarrassment of getting examined when he hurts you. See a counselor and get on record the details of his verbal and psychological abuse. Reconnect with your family and friends and let them know what’s happening to you. Create some form of “documentation” by way of informing others so you have support when you cry out for help.

When you are ready to leave, you will need an escape plan that lists the actions you are going to take between now and the day you leave. We will discuss planning your escape in tomorrow’s blog post.